im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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