man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
