you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
