Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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