I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
