It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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