Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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