Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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