So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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