she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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