I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
