Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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