My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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