hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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