I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
