Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
