you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
