Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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