ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
