And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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