Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
