i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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