don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
