Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
