literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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