Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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