You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
