Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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