I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
