I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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