From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
