Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
ttyl tear gas
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
