i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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