So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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