Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize