Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I need to calm my uterus...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
