I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
