I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
