wanna go halves on a baby?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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