he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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