Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
