my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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