mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
