can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
