I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
