So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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