You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
