highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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