All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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