Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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