He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
