birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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