hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
