when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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