yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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