well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
