I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
