He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
