Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
