I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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