she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
