I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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