I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize