If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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