Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
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On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize