im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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