So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
